


Gifts From The Heart

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Star Trek: The Next Generation, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 04:55:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3755236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know what happens when you give a mouse a cookie-- but what happens when Tony Stark gives Nick Fury a bat'leth?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gifts From The Heart

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"Come on, it's funny," Tony said as he filled out the order at Etsy.

"I am merely suggesting, sir, that it might be more prudent to order a 'Nerf' version," JARVIS said. "The humor, if any, should remain intact."

"Nerf looks so tacky. Besides, no one's making them right now. And hey, this is hand-forged steel! 45 inches long! This is a bad boy that deserves to be hung in a place of honor on Fury's wall. He can terrify the interns even when he's not in."

"Sir. May I point out that although it is untempered mild steel, in Director Fury's hands it is quite likely capable of inflicting severe injury."

"In Director Fury's hands, a tennis ball could probably kill." Tony paused to capture the image of the generic bat'leth and made sure he'd included instructions for anodizing the custom-made one purple-black. 

 

"What. Is. This?" Fury said when Tony danced gleefully up to the bridge of the helicarrier, with the black silk covered box held in his arms.

"Your security division gets a big fail. They let this go through!" Tony said cheerfully.

"To be fair, sir," Hill said wearily, "the container apparently uses a modified stealth program. It read as a box of donuts."

"Donuts." Fury rubbed at his forehead.

"Yeah, you know? It's our anniversary! Of the day you got Nat to stab me in the neck." Tony held out the box, beaming.

Fury looked at the box and sighed. "Fine. Give it here."

Tony practically tossed the box in his arms.

Someone other than Tony had wrapped it. The lid was separate from the bottom, the way things are wrapped on TV shows. Fury lifted the lid without flinching. He stared into the box for a long time, and said nothing. Then he put the lid back on the box. "Thank you. I will consider it," Fury said to Tony. Then he strode off the flight deck.

"What?" Tony said, baffled. "What happened there?"

"You didn't die?" Hill said. "Yay?"

"Huh." Tony really had expected more of a reaction.

 

"Sir?" JARVIS said, "You have a message from Director Fury."

"Oh. Ok." Tony didn't really think Fury could attack through email, but you never know. He braced himself. "Hit me, JARVIS."

"Tlhab ramvam?"

Tony stared at the message for a long moment, before decades old geekery returned to him and he burst out laughing. "My God, he's going along with it! He found a Klingon translator. Sure, sure, I'm free tonight." 

He paused in thought and then typed, "vumnISlu'wI'vamDaq ghagh qaStaHvIS yab?"

"bakery 'e' maghbogh prune QutwI' pov vISov."

"Fantastic, he even found out about the prunes. Who knew Fury had a sense of humor? Ok, we'll do a meet cute at a bakery." Tony chuckled to himself as they maneuvered around the inadequacies of translation. There probably wasn't a word in Klingon for bakery.

 

Tony showed up outside the bakery, dressed up a little, not charity ball fancy, but wearing a decent suit. He parked the Audi and turned on the anti-theft device (one day he was going to make a trunk-monkey just for the heck of it.) Before he could turn around, there was a hand on his arm. He tensed, but it was a light touch, and when he turned, he saw it was Fury. Fury dressed in a smart gray suit. With cufflinks. And he had on a subdued red and gray tie. 

Tony blinked. And then he sniffed. "You're wearing cologne. I thought that was against the spy code?"

Fury smiled. Tony didn't quite wet his pants, but he was considering it. "Cologne was appropriate for the occasion. Let's go in, I've reserved a table."

Reserved a table. In a bakery. Tony decided he would have to up his game to keep up with Fury. "Great!"

They sat down at a small table. A man bustled up, smiled at them, and set the table with a linen cloth, and a single white flower of some kind Tony didn't recognize, in a little glass bowl. "Nice place," Tony said, glancing around the glass fronted display cases and the posters of pastry on the walls. This was so weird.

"Yes, it is." Fury reached across the table to tap at Tony's hand. "They're very discreet. I've been coming here for years."

A bakery was a secret SHIELD rendezvous? Well, hell, didn't the Man from UNCLE hide behind a tailor's shop? Tony began to relax. This probably wasn't a joke, then, just a way of talking to Tony without anyone noticing. "That's good." Tony swept off his eyeglasses and tucked them into his breast pocket. Fury was still touching his hand. Maybe some spy thing way of judging physical reactions. Wouldn't put it past Fury to be a human lie detector. "So..." Tony said, but Fury interrupted him.

He took out a piece of paper from his pocket, smoothed it out and laid it on the table in front of Tony. "There were survivors of the Ten Rings."

Tony's teeth clacked together, hard. He glanced at the paper. It was a short list of names. With lines drawn through them. "Were?" He didn't touch the paper. Fury was still touching his hand. Stroking it lightly with a finger.

"They were not true warriors. They did not deserve an honorable death." Fury's one eye gazed deep into Tony. Then he smiled again. "Do you like Prune Danish?"

"Um, do they have...something sweeter?" This was _so_ weird.

"Of course." Fury lifted his head. "Bring a platter of your finest pastries."

The moment the platter was set down, Fury said, "waH tar vIleghjaj."

Tony blinked. "Yeah, sure." Poison? At a bakery? And Fury could speak Klingon without a translator? God, the thought of Fury dressing up at a convention just made Tony feel so weird.

Fury picked up one of each pastry and neatly cut a small wedge, chewing and swallowing, with a contemplative look on his face. "chaH Hoch QaD natlh," he said, pushing the platter slightly towards Tony.

Tony picked up a cherry-oozing Danish, and bit into it. Fury watched his mouth attentively, and even reached out with his thumb to wipe away a drip. And then... he sucked the drip from his thumb. Weird wasn't the half of it. Tony chuckled nervously. "So, I guess you were Worf?" He could definitely see Fury in a StarFleet uniform, glowering at a con.

Fury smiled broadly. "Ah! So you did discover the file! Yes. We have been unable to replicate the time-fault that brought my father here." Fury picked up a prune danish and devoured it in two bites. "He lives on a ranch in Montana. We will go there for his blessing."

"We will... we will... what?" Tony blinked.

"The bat'leth was an excellent betrothal gift! He will welcome a warrior to the family." Fury waved at the baker. "Bring the wine! This is a celebration."

Tony blinked again. "You know, Pepper and I..."

"She is too skinny," Fury dismissed her in a few words. "And she made you destroy your weapons! That is no way to treat a warrior!" He pounded on the table. "Where is the wine!"

"Here, sir! Here." The baker hurried to open a bottle and pour it into two glasses. It smelled like prunes.

Fury beamed at Tony and clinked glasses with him. "I am expert in all the sexual rites. I will please you in ways you have never dreamed." He did something with his fingers against Tony's hand, and Tony went cross-eyed.

"Um. Wow." Tony gulped the prune wine. "All?"

"All," Fury said. He leaned forward to whisper in Tony's ear. 

Tony squirmed as his trousers were suddenly too tight. "Um, really?"

"My people do not lie." Fury grinned, "Not to our beloveds." He did that thing with his hand again, and Tony pretty much melted. "Touch me, here," Fury said, bringing Tony's hand up to rub his forehead. Fury moaned. Tony experimented a bit. Fury pounded on the table, and squashed most of the pastry. Then he grinned at Tony. "You see? We are well matched." And he rubbed Tony's hand some more.

"You know," Tony said groggily half an hour later, danish smeared all over his fine suit which covered up other stains, so, not a bad thing. "I'm sure Pepper will understand."

Fury laughed, and then picked Tony up and carried him out of the bakery.

**Author's Note:**

> I wound up filling my own prompt at AvengerKink (This is allowed provided you're not being a sneak by putting up a prompt to match an already written fic, just to get attention.) I posted it in late November of 2013, so you can see I gave the comm plenty of opportunity before I used it.
> 
>  
> 
> [You can read my prompt here](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/17613.html?thread=40646861#t40646861)
> 
> https://www.bing.com/translator/
> 
> https://www.etsy.com/listing/228792460/full-size-klingon-batleth-hand-forged-by?ref=related-2
> 
> https://www.etsy.com/shop/FoggyMountainForge?ref=l2-shopheader-name


End file.
